50 Shades of Grey

It was just after seven-thirty in the morning, but for all the dark wetness, it might as well have been as early as five. It had rained all night and it was still pissing down - sunrise was a non-event. The prospect of travelling to Amsterdam and closer the North Sea was not appealing. So eastwards we went with less-than-trustworthy Sat Nav leading the way; her voice as drab and monotonous as the unforgiving deluge that poured from the heavens. It was like this all the way to the German border; rain changing from intermittent to relentless, and back to intermittent again. Everything ahead; just grey... sometimes darker, sometimes lighter, but always shades of grey... About 50 shades if I was to hazard a guess. Certainly, a lot more than anyone would care to shake a windscreen-wiper at. The trip to Hamburg, Sat Nav had carefully calculated, would be 389 miles. Since we were reduced to less than 40 miles an hour in places, this was going to be an awfully long trip and it seemed that the 87 songs on the iPod would run out before the miles did. Strangely, the trip through the Netherlands passed relatively quickly - about two hours - and it was onto the Autobahn... The little Polo, who has been baptised Paulo-the-Polo, was thrilled to be in the country of his origin and quickly revved himself up to over 100 miles and hour. For all of about two miles, then we hit traffic and Sat Nav, bright lass that she is, informed us of this fact after we'd been crawling along at 15 miles an hour for the past 20 minutes. This was followed by construction on the road. On-and-on the construction went, providing plenty of opportunity to take in the surrounds. Germans drive German cars, and most drive VWs. There are more makes of VW in Germany than anywhere else and they have makes that no one outside of Germany has probably ever heard of. None of the Germans drive a VW Go! or Lupo though; one suspects the Germans sell these to the British as some sort of joke. Golfs alone come in all sorts, there's a station wagon type and a peculiar Golf Plus that looks like a people-carrier. Others drive BMWs and Mercs; but whatever they drive, they only come in two colours: Black and grey - but admittedly, there's a lot of shades of grey. About 50 if I was to hazard a guess. Certainly more than you could rev your engine at. There is a lot of white too though. Frankly, there's way too much white. These take the form of motor-homes and caravans and it seems there's almost as many of them as there are normal passenger cars. And they slow the traffic. If there's any colour in this part of the world, then it is at the many roadside petrol stops, and it can be found in the uppermost shelves of the magazine racks. Truly, the folk in this part of the world have quite a thing for porn - there's rows and rows of it. I've always thought that if I bought Playboy then it would be for the insightful articles, sadly here, I don't know the language and would be reduced to looking at the pictures which aren't at all grey. I leave these little pit-stops with cups of caffeine-sans-Jameson's-because-we're-driving and wistful thoughts of warmer climes where clothing is less a necessity than it is a fashion option. We left Gouda at a cheesy seven-thirty; we pulled into Hamburg - the rain eventually dissipating - a little after three in the afternoon. Seven-and-a-half hours in all, and all there was to see along the way was 50 shades of grey and the odd seductive hint of colour. But the joy of arriving! The sun and blue sky burst out in welcome and Paulo purred in delight. Well, not really purred as such, but rather made generally happy engine sounds. Sat Nav, who really does need a name, struggled to get her tongue around the street names but got us to the motel without too much fuss. After checking in, it was out again and Sat Nav found us an actual shopping mall, which had actual automatic bank tellers. So, with brass in pocket, it was off to find the centre of town. And what a centre it was... To describe it here would be folly... View the photos and make your own judgment (although the Rough Guide To Europe On A Budget describes Hamburg as such: 'Germany's second city is infamous for the sleaze and hectic nightlife of the Reeperbahn strip...' - It's the primary reason I chose to visit it!). Save to say that I was impressed even if I didn't make it to the strip. It was the people who impressed me the most though. Like their cars they all wear black... and grey. Many shades of grey, perhaps as many as 50. Certainly more than you could shake a knitting needle (or soft-porn magazine) at. Oh, and I've concluded that Sat Nav's name is Lilith (those who have watched Frasier will understand), it just seems appropriate and, to be fair, grey (in any shade) suits her.